I know Pat loves me. I also know he sleeps just fine when I’m gone. I know this because I’ve called him while I was gone and he’s answered the phone at 10pm asleep and annoyed that I woke him up. We don’t travel without each other all that much. But it happens because.  He was gone this week. Just one night but it was eye opening.

I didn’t realize it until he was gone this time that I have a hard time sleeping when he’s not here. Not because its “our” bed and I can’t sleep without him (I’m sweet and romantic but not that much. I like my sleep) but because everything is on high alert without him. All the sudden I have hawk eyes and dog ears and a schitzo reaction to the dog yawning.

There are million noises in our house when its quiet. We live in a super old tiny bird house so logically I know its going to make sounds but when Pats gone everything sounds like a threat. I put Rylan to bed and the dogs breathing scares me. I have to make them lay down using my mom voice so I can relax and get her to sleep.

Once she’s finally asleep I’m glued to the monitor the way high school girls are glued to their phone when they have a new boyfriend. I’m not normally like that but with Pat gone I get the completely psychotic feeling someone is going to steal her. Yup irrational I know. Thats literally what I’m thinking though. Because Pat is gone someone is going to steal her from her room and I won’t even know until its too late.

Never mind the fact that if anyone so much as slows down in front of our house our two black labs would go insane. Which leads me to my next point. Home alone with the dogs. Everyone says “at least you have the dogs to protect you”. Yes, protect me… or scare the crap out of me! Every time they hear something and perk up I freak. They look out the window and I’m slamming it shut, locking the doors and texting Pat asking where the guns are because theres a wild leaf outside that needs to be made an example of.

Also our younger lab is kind of a spaz. Its not bad in the summer but in the winter she stares into the fireplace like she sees the ghost of Lassie in there. I know she’s staring at her reflection but I’m always waiting for a spirit or demon to come out of the fireplace when she does it. Pat laughs when I jump up and slap her and make her knock it off.

So no the dogs aren’t helpful.

I think its the movie Somethings Gotta Give where Diane Keaton is talking about sleeping when you’re single and she says you have to sleep in the middle of the bed so you don’t feel lonely like someone should be on the other side. Something like that? Or maybe she was saying she has a side of the bed… I might be making this whole scene up. Anyway when Pats gone I do not have a side of the bed. I take up the whole center and sleep like a toddler. Arms stretched out and flailing all over.

I also leave all the lights on and stay up until I can’t keep my eyes open any more. This last trip I crocheted and listened to an audio book while the tv was going and all the lights were on. As I got more tired I turned off the kitchen lights, then the living room. Then left the tv on and turned of the light and flew into bed like the floor was lava.

I’m aware this sounds pathetic. Its not that I’m so attached to Pat that I can’t sleep. It’s that being the adult in the house is terrifying. I am solely responsible for anything that happens. I feel like I want to look around for a better adult. If there’s a spider we are shutting that door until dad gets home. Sorry sweetie good thing you’re still in pull ups!

This makes me happy that we live in the same town as my family. I can always call my dad or uncle. I actually have called my brother-in-law to come get the dying bird out of my front yard. I couldn’t leave the house with it flopping around out there.

I swear I’m smart. But home alone I turn into a total weirdo. I have no wise words to end this on only that next time I’ll make sure my DVR is properly stocked before Pat leaves again. Night time tv does not get my stamp of approval!