Pluviophile Mama

a lover of rain;someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days.

It Gets Easier… liar. — November 18, 2021

It Gets Easier… liar.

We are rapidly approaching a year since Nana passed away. January 1st is coming out of now where. Time is now measured in terms of “before nana passed” and after. I’ve heard people talk about this but as I’ve explained before, this is my first time it hit me hard. So as the 1 year mark approaches things look different to me.

The first few months “after” people would say encouraging things like “it gets easier” and “you just learn to live with it”. I’ve seen more than one counselor who’s encouraged me to “find the new normal”. I swear that term is for idiots. Its also wildly unhelpful and sparks an almost physical response in me. Of course this isn’t a “new” normal this is just life. All of life is the “new normal”. Uh sorry, between Nana passing and this damn pandemic I swear the “new normal” is 2021 version of “be present” and “live intentionally”. All seems like it should sound good but really earns an eye roll and barf face from me.

Anyway back to the “it gets easier”. Liars. It hasn’t gotten easier. We have continued to live our lives and haven’t hidden under the covers and refused to function as a human (although the state of my house tells a different story). We’ve lived this year. Our family has gotten to together and celebrated and done all the things we know will make us feel better, be connected, together, stronger, and like our whole world didn’t come crashing down on us January 1st 2021. But it did. And there are days when it feels exactly like that.

Every first this year was hard. I am forever grateful for my family. No matter what we pull together and we make a real honest effort to be apart of each others lives and to live the way she would have wanted. We continue to be close and connected. The relationship some professions might deem “unhealthy” lives on. We are just missing The Don.

Sometimes I swear I feel her guiding us. Rylan and I pray every night to give her hugs from us. Rylan told me one day when we were driving that the sky looked like cotton candy and as the clouds moved she said “look mama it looks like Nana and Jesus are playing with it”. She then asked if I needed her to plug my nose because thats what she does to my mom when my mom cries. Now every time the sky looks like cotton candy I think its Nana and Jesus playing with the sky for Rylan. No its not getting easier.

Pat bought us a new truck. You know the holiday commercials where the husband surprises the wife with a new car? I always think “how stupid! People don’t actually make huge purchases like this without talking to their significant other”. Except they do. I wanted to be annoyed because while we had talked about it, we hadn’t actually decided to it. But its beautiful and I love it so I can’t even pretend to be mad. Anyway we took it through the Chevron car wash and Pat was telling me about a time when our friend took their truck through and a ton of cans in the back of the truck went flying everywhere (he had forgotten they were in there). He said once the car wash stopped he pulled forward and got out only to find Nana behind his truck picking up cans yelling at him “damn it Jim what the hell were you thinking you know better!” I can just see both of them laughing. Of course he helped her clean but these stories that I didn’t know about that I love to hear.

Keeping her memory alive is what helps. Those stories and traditions are what help me. After hearing that story and listening to Rylan talk about her it feels like a Aloe on a sunburn. You’re still burned but it soothes just a little bit. Just for a little while.

I read the book Party Crasher by Sophie Kinsella about a girl who’s parents get divorced and her dad is selling her childhood home only the step monster didn’t invite her to the last party in the house. (yes mom quick boring book talk but I have a point I swear). The whole story is adorable and witty and makes me think of my own family. Even though we are all hurting, we will come together and tell stories, laugh and be the aloe to all our sunburns for each other. I’m grateful for each and everyone one of them.

Just A Blip — November 14, 2021

Just A Blip

My bestie and I always have the most interesting conversations. I’d be lying if I said we didn’t have normal catty moments of talking about people (we live in a tiny town it’s hard not to) but we really do make a conscious effort to not talk about people. We try and keep it positive if we do and be very understanding of the fact that we have no clue what’s actually going on in other peoples lives.

Recently we were talking about life and death. Not unusual since grief is still all consuming in our lives. But it got me thinking about how wildly short our lives actually are. I’m reading through the Bible and to God we are just a blip. A tiny person who lives for like a minute in the grand scheme of things.

I’ve talked about my thought process tangents before so buckle up here comes another one. I thought of us being a blip and how we all think we are so important. Here’s where I split. On one hand we are here for literally a second on the grand scale of the world so what’s the point? There people who are so smart, so intelligent that they do nothing with their lives because everything would be easy. They end up riding bikes and bumming around Santa Cruz because they are already bored with the world. Nothing challenges them and competing in the work force is offensive because they could breeze through everything.

On the other hand I think of the satisfaction when I’ve worked hard through out the day. I think of how good it feels to be there for a friend and how we make each other better people. When parenting is so hard I ask God why he thought I could do this, there’s usually a moment when something shifts and Rylan gives me a hug and everything falls into place. That moment is so satisfying and makes this blip we are living so worth it.

So we may be a blip. But in our blip it’s the whole world. We choose to keep things positive and to work hard because it feels good when we accomplish things. I can’t imagine being so smart everything is easy (I’m far from it) but I’m also proud of every little accomplishment and thing I get right. Even things I get wrong are a lesson designed to make me better, stronger, more compassionate.

These are the conversations I love having with friends. It doesn’t add any value in my life to talk about other people and to be honest it’s none of my business anyway. Someone said “what other people think of you is none of your business” and that hit me so hard. It’s true. Someone doesn’t like me… it’s their business. As long as I’m not a total dick than it most likely has nothing to do with me in the first place but is actually a reflection on whatever they have going on.

I could tangent off in a million more ways but I need more coffee.

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