Eventually I’ll write about more than just grief I promise. However, for now even though I’m powering through, it’s still front and center in my life.
Sometimes I’ll say something to Pat while we’re driving or hanging out at home and he’ll give me what my friend calls “The Pat Face”. Which is basically a blank stare like he’s confused, indifferent, or baffled but mostly just can’t bring himself to respond. I’d try and take a picture for you but it would turn from The Pat Face to the Pissed face faster than my phone camera can capture the moment.
Anyway after he gives me the Pat Face I have to explain how I got to that topic. It’s usually a long drawn out version of “well I as brushing my teeth and thought of Jeanette cause she cleans my teeth (when I show up!), which got me thinking about hanging out with them and how we should go on vacation, but we should go on a fun vacation, but not with jelly fish, but I like sushi, oh we should go to Vegas and go to Hells Kitchen,” which circles back to my original point of telling him I bought Gordon Ramsey’s cookbook. I can feel all of you giving me the Pat Face right now!!
Needless to say the last two months has got me wondering if saying nothing or even the wrong thing is worse or better than saying nothing at all. I have come to the long, Pat Face initiating, conclusion that saying something is always better.
When Nana passed I had people I hadn’t talked to in years reach out with a single text. “Heard about what happened to Nana and I’m thinking of you. Sorry for your loss”. So simple and yet it warmed my heart in a way I didn’t know I needed.
I have never reached out to people before. I was always uncomfortable and didn’t want to bring it up or remind people of the pain. Then Jeanette said something that stayed with me and I wanted to share with my two followers. When I told her I didn’t want to reach out because of that she said “it’s never out of someone’s mind. That loss and hurt is always there even when people are smiling and talking to you. It’s feels better to acknowledge it than to try and sweep it under the rug”.
Now having experienced that new level of pain and loss I understand what she meant. Telling me your sorry I lost Nana is not “bringing it up again” because it never went away. It’s always at the forefront of my mind. It’s always hovering in my peripheral vision. Always the rug I’m standing on waiting to slip out from under me.
It’s always easier for me when people say sorry for the loss or anything really because then it doesn’t feel as “Debbie Downer” if I mention it. It clears the air for me to even talk about it in passing or if it’s in the middle of one of my thought process tangents.
I truly believe it’s better to say something than nothing. Coming from someone who never used to say anything I can now saw with confidence that when I’m in those situations, it even feels better for me to acknowledge it. Saying “I know there are no words but I’m sorry and you’re in my mind” takes pressure off both of us.
I’m aware everyone might not feel this way. But in the grand scheme of things I’d rather acknowledge and let someone know I’m thinking and I care than have them look back and think “wow Brittany didn’t care enough to even send a text”.
So my words of advice is this. A simple something is better than nothing… example if you need one is simply this “I know there are no words! I’m so sorry for your loss and you’re in my thoughts”
Hope this is helpful!