Hard is Hard

Rylan is less than a year old and I’m trying to get her down for a nap while visiting my sister-in-law in Chico.

She’s flopping around and trying to talk and crawl away and is refusing to nap. I get frustrated and finally give up and take her to the stroller because I know that works. I’m frustrated and don’t have the energy to force it.

I come out of the room huffing and puffing and go to take her outside. My sister-in-law asks what happened and I start to tell her.

She laughs. “So she’s not crying or fussy, she’s just….awake?”

Me: “well yeah but its annoying I know she’s tired and going to get cranky and she needs to nap.”

I get why she’s laughing. It sound ridiculous when I hear it back to me. Later over a glass of wine we talk about it. She makes me feel better by reminding me that even though Rylan is a great baby and I have no idea how easy I have it, my hard is hard for me.

So while she can handle things and has infinitely more patience than I do, to me… this is hard.

Fast forward to Rylan being almost 3 and still I know how lucky I am.

She listens well and reasons for the most part. She argues at bed time and I want to pull my hair out. I’m sure there are a million moms that would look at our bed time routine and laugh at how frustrated I get. But its hard to me.

We all have no clue what going on in each other life and its so easy to look at every situation and say how you would do it differently. But you know what? It might not work. We all have to do what we know how to do and make changes where we need to in order to make things work for us.

For instance my hard right now (aside from bed time) is a kitten. Who would have thought that something that weighs just over 1 pound can make want to drink. Given, it was 3 weeks old when we were gifted it.

Gifted is a strong word. It was a trash can kitty my cousin found and my Aunt asked if we wanted it. I didn’t. At all. My darling, sweet, animal loving husband was supposed to be the bad guy and say no… he didn’t say no.

We’ve had it a week and its slowly getting better. Not going to lie, the first couple days I was cussing out my aunt dreaming of dropping it off on their doorstep knocking and running away.

The ONLY saving grace was how happy this damn kitten made Rylan. I mean they are buds. Rylan will sit and watch her iPad and this stupid kitten will cuddle on her back and sit in her lap and just snuggle. The smile on my kids face made me realize I couldn’t drop her off at the fire department. Wait is that kittens too?

So my point is everyone’s hard is hard. It doesn’t matter if we laugh at it and dismiss it or fully understand we could not handle that its hard. We all have support systems you just have to find yours. Find your people, your tribe, the one you can open up to about locking the kitten in the bathroom and turning up the radio so you can’t hear it cry. Thankfully my tribe is pretty big. They all understand me.

They also laugh at the fact that now that the kittens getting older and getting a personality she’s turned into a total little psycho.

I’ve had to delete 3 paragraphs from her stepping on my keyboard and throwing me off. In case you are wondering why she’s still living with us here are a few pictures.

 

 

Riding the Dragon


Me: I hate this kitchen!

Husband: Why whats wrong with it now?

Me: nothing it’s just a freaking mess! How did it get so messy we weren’t even here this weekend!

Husband: well it’s not even that bad. Its been way way worse, and it was like this when we left I don’t understand why it’s suddenly so bad.

He’s right. On our quest to become minimalist the kitchen has been cleaner than normal lately. I could do without him being right once in a while. But I take this as a sure sign that I’m changing as a person. The fact that some fruit, a bottle of wine, and the groceries that I just bought, on the counter is sending me over the edge. I’m turning into a cleaner person.

OR… The much more likely explaination is I have PMS. DUN DUN DUN *cue dark music and thunder clouds*

I have always had PMS ever since I was a teenager. If I have to explain what it is you are reading the wrong blog post! I’m not saying I get it every month. But once in a while there’s a month like this one that scares my husband, my mom, the dogs, and even myself just a little.

I can’t be alone in having little things send me over the edge. Little things like a dirty kitchen counter making me want to move. My husband not writing back fast enough results in a series of WTF texts and passive aggressive messages including but not limited to “its fine forget it I can go to the grocery store later. It’s not like I don’t have enough to do”.

I can’t be alone in thinking for 1 week that the world should revolve around me. That’s right the whole world! How dare people have other lives and not wait around for me to want to do something. Only to cancel on them at the last-minute because I want to be around people but don’t actually want to be around people. How can people not know that?!

I can’t be alone in being COMPLETELY irrational and out of control of my emotions. Its like seeing a red light and knowing, logically, that I need to slow down and stop yet I hit the gas anyway. I know its wrong, I know I’m not making any sense and that whatever I’m feeling/saying will be different in a week, but it doesn’t matter. I have no control of the irrational things I’m thinking/doing.

This is where getting rid of things can be a good thing. Its good timing when you’re irrational to throw away everything and get rid of anything that is in your way or doesn’t change you mood. Which is everything because there is no help for this mood!

People will tell you “exercise and get rid of caffeine”. Ummm what? Don’t drink coffee? I’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. That’s the worst idea ever! When you are the most tired and need all the help you can get…. don’t take it.  Exercise really does work. I also know this to be a fact. However, when I’m in the middle of a mood swing and some one suggest exercise, they better start running themselves because I want to throat punch them.

Did I mention I have PMS right now?!

I also have to say that getting yourself to exercise during PMS should be worthy of an award. Or at least a gift card. People say gift cards are thoughtless but let me just tell you… give a Day-o or Sephora gift card to a woman with PMS and she will switch moods like a toddler who just got their way.

To the women who think you don’t get PMS…. Yes you do. I’m sorry but its true. Its okay don’t be sad. Even if you truly think you don’t get it. You just don’t realize it. Again, it’s not your fault. Chances are your PMS has taken over your thought process and the bitch is lying to you. You are forgiven. Or maybe you really don’t get it and I just think you do because I have PMS and think you get moody when really its me.

See this whole thing is just one giant tornado of irrational thoughts and snarky comments. This is my disclaimer to anyone dealing with me this week.

I’m sorry.

 

Traditions

 

In a world that’s rapidly falling apart and dividing itself, there are still a few things I find comfort in.

  • My morning coffee.
  • The fact that Rylan will argue over bedtime.
  • Nana will get us pajamas for Christmas.

It’s the little things in life.

When I was growing up we always had traditions. Thanksgiving was celebrated with Nana the Sunday before so that she could have everyone there. No excuses. For Christmas it was always Christmas Eve. That one is a touchy subject so we’re just going to breeze by it for now. Sorry mom xoxo.

The holidays have always been a really big deal in my life. Example: Nana used to own a Santa costume and would pay someone to dress up and come to the house Christmas Eve. It was magical. Even the year it was Granny Doris and I realized Santa wasn’t real. I was older than I care to admit!

So as the weather starts to cool off, the leaves start to change, and bedtime is now getting earlier, I’m starting to think about the holidays. Rylan is going to be 3 years old this December and I want her to grow up with the same traditions that I had. I also want to make our own traditions with her.

Which leads me to my question: How do we find time for all these traditions? How do we make new ones while respecting the ones we hold close to our heart? How do we blend traditions with our in-laws? When do you throw you hands in the air and go on vacation for the holidays instead?

I tried suggesting that we make it a destination Christmas this year. After some thought and discussion Nana informed us that we won’t be vacationing for Christmas this year. Or as long as she’s alive. Clearly she values the traditions and I respect that.I had to laugh at the fact that Nana vetoed not only this Christmas but every foreseeable Christmas after that.

I’d like to bring back Santa so if anyone has a Santa suit let me know!

My cousins and I actually have started our own tradition of taking family pictures every Thanksgiving. I was doing them myself with my professional camera but that took a crap on me this year so I’m not sure what we’ll do. I don’t really want to pay for professional pictures but am considering it as gift to all of us.

Other than that I don’t even know where to start! I have this constant tug of war going on in my head. Its like tiny bad mom saying “ugh who has time for that? Aren’t the holidays stressful enough?” then a tiny Martha Stewart slaps her across the face with a homemade, one of a kind stocking and says “because traditions are wonderful and it gives us something to look forward to and pass down to our kids so they can remember us when we are gone”.

I’m afraid tiny Martha wins. I want that. I want Rylan to grow up with the same happy memories I had. I want her to remember things from Nana and Granny. It’s special that she’s gotten so much time with her Great Grandparents so why wouldn’t we want to emphasize those traditions?

So its my goal to prioritize the traditions we have already and along the way make new ones. Of course I’ll have to put my own spin on things so maybe instead of having new pajamas we all have onesies and look ridiculous together. Maybe make a signature cocktail to have at Christmas dinner? I’ll keep thinking.

We used to go in Nanas room and re-wrap gifts we had given her in years past because she never even opened them. It took her longer than she cares to admit to catch on to that!

I’m just blessed I have the family that I do and the in-laws that I do. Everyone has a sense of humor and gets along and truly loves life. And fun. And cocktails. Rylan is pretty lucky too.

I’m aware I didn’t solve any of the my questions so if anyone has suggestions let me know!

 

LITERALLY Sick of Summer


“I want to punch you” my sister-in-law Jen says to me one day while I’m whining about being  a parent.

“I know, I know, we have it really good I’m just saying this is way harder than I thought it was going to be”. I try to justify myself.

My sister-in-law is the best. I scored big time! I’m not just saying that incase she’s reading this either its the truth. Anyone who knows her can vouch for that. Anyone who knows me knows I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true.

She’s also totally justified in wanting to punch me for complaining. My husband and I live in our home town where we were born and raised.  When we first met I lived on “family hill”. My grandparents live right next to my parents, and I lived 3 houses down. My husband lived on “family court”. Lived in his parents down stairs close to his aunt and uncles houses but also one street over from my  aunt and grandpa. I swear our town is not as po-dunk as I’m making it sound.

Anyway when I went back to work after Rylan was born I was blessed with not having to find child care. Rylan was with my mom on Wednesdays, Thursdays my grandma and mother in law would share the day, Fridays she was with my dad. I’m shocked my sister-in-law still talks to me actually.

Jen lives in Chico and while she has family there (aunts and cousins) they all work full-time and don’t have the luxury of taking entire days off during the week to help her. So yeah, she’s allowed to hate me.

Friday of this week I got a sore throat. Like couldn’t talk, kind of sore throat. It quickly escalated to a runny nose and into body aches, hot and cold flashes, and an 80 yr old smokers cough.

I was pretty bummed it hurt so bad to talk because I was really looking forward to calling my best friends and singing Phoebe’s rendition of “Smelly Cat” in my sexy sick voice.

Not only did I have it but Rylan got it too. Which meant our weekend and the first Sunday football of the season was spent in bed being taken care of by my husband. Thanks to the TV in my room I got to watch my Raiders win. Thanks to DayQuil and Alieve I didn’t have to watch my Niners lose. I beat my other sister-in-law in fantasy so, you know, glass half full.

But come Monday Rylan and I were both sick and my husband had to go back to work. Never had I wanted to parent less in my life. I finally got a glimpse of what Jen deals with on a regular basis. Rylan couldn’t go to school because she was sick, my parents were both at work, Pats parents were both in Chico (well-played Jen haha), and I wanted to die. Not to mention no one wants to babysit a sick kid.

Of course my kid is sick but also has energy to run from her bed room to the living room, grabbing a bite of food, then back to her room to watch her show on her iPad. Yes she got it all day because I was dying. No mom shaming or Karma’s going to bitch slap you with my cold/flu.

Any way we survived on power aid, Dora the explore an over the counter medication. Oh and an offensive amount of essential oils. If you even walk by our house right now you might sneeze, feel, relaxed, and have your mood lifted all at the same time! Maybe give it some time though we were all just sick.

So ending the summer with the worst cold in history and sending Jen my sincerest apologies and promises to help more in the future. More trips to Chico, more taking her kids when I can, more nights out without the kids when she’s here. That last one just makes sense with so many babysitters in town we can have some much needed fun.

Side note: looking for cute sister-in-law quotes or pictures on Pinterest to add on here…. there aren’t any! They are all so mean! Once again bragging about how blessed I am. But thank you Jesus for two great sister-in-laws that don’t make me post horrible thing about them. So you got a picture of Rylan and her cousins instead.

 

 

Literal Labor Day


Yesterday was my birthday!!! September 4th!

Which means my mom was LITERALLY in labor ON labor day! I’ve always thought that was hilarious.

I love my mom. She’s a crack up and anyone who’s ever met her knows she has the biggest heart in the world. She means well in everything she does and truly cares about people.

In fact we always joke that she adopts homeless people. Not literally. Although we own a gas station and its goes in phases of being bum central. One lived in his trailer behind the store the entire time I was in high school. One lived in the bathroom for at least a month before my mom asked him to leave.

My favorite used to come and just hang out to talk to her. He was nuts. Exactly what you picture when you think of a homeless man. Finger-less gloves, talks to himself, has a dog. The only thing missing was the stick with the bag hanging from the end. I’m pretty sure I remember actual cartoon smelly squiggles coming off him.

Tangent number 1 complete.

My mom is sweet that was the point of that. She also used to joke that for my birthday she should get a present because it was, after all, her labor day.

I used to make fun of her for this. “Okay mom. It’s your world we just live in it” as I rolled my eyes. Or I’d sigh and say “it really is all about you isn’t it”. What a bratty teenager I was.

Now after being in labor for 36 hours myself I fully understand what she meant. Labor sucks no matter if it was a C-section or you pushed that giant thing out yourself. So funny to me that we always ooh and ahh over how tiny babies are. When your the mom who just pushed it out that thing is massive!

So it took 30 years but I finally understand what my mom meant. So when its your birthday. Don’t forget about what that day means to your mother. Because while we are all thankful for that day you were born… it was a rough one for your mom.

I used to think my birthday was amazing because it was labor day weekend and all the parties and fireworks were all for me. Wow sometimes I open my mouth or write something down and my mother comes out. This is the apple barely even falling from the tree!

So yes the parties were for me and there was always something to do.

Now at 32 there is nothing to do!

I’m sure there are still parties and lakes to go on but at this point in my life with a toddler I don’t wanna be around people.

I wanna go to the lake. Labor day weekend? Way too crowded. 

I wanna go out to eat. Forget it everywhere is packed.

I wanna go out-of-town and do something. So we can drive in traffic and take 3 hours to get anywhere decent where again there will be too many people? Nope.

My birthday this year was fantastic! I got to relax at home with my family and see my friends at different times throughout the weekend and even got to make some headway on the week. Yes, planning and cleaning made me happy on my birthday. I know I”m not alone in this.

Times have changed and I’m not the person I was at 21. Or even 30. I was so freaking fun back then!!! I’m still working on myself because we should never stop doing that. But this birthday has given me a great chance to stop and look and check in with my life. I love it!

I could list all the things going right in life but I won’t because… well barf. Who really cares. The point is I’m so grateful for everything I have and most importantly the people I have in my life. I’m surrounded by amazing people. A few weird ones in there but who doesn’t have a few crazy friends? Keeps me on my toes! Or maybe I’m the crazy friend?

Either way crazy or not I hope everyone had a great Labor Day and enjoys their birthday as much as I did. Don’t worry my birthday isn’t really over… I get the whole month of September. It’s just getting started.

Potty problems

“Mama can we get Reba today?” She very sweetly asked me after she went pee pee on the potty.

“Not today love we talked about this. It’s going to be a little while before we can get a kitten. You have to go on the potty all the time no more diapers”. I try to remind her.

Reba is a kitten at the humane society that loves her! If we were ready to get a cat she would be it for sure.

Yes I bribed my kid with a kitten to help with potty training. Except here’s the thing… it didn’t work!  I started this bribe about 6 months ago when she randomly went pee on the potty.

We thought “oh wow this is going to be so easy! She’s just over two and doing it all by herself”.  Oh how young and stupid we were!

She didn’t go for at least 6 months after that! Refused. Wouldn’t even sit on the potty.

I’m aware of all different “techniques” to potty train and I’m sure they’ve all worked for some people.

The 3 day method. Locking myself at home with toddler for three days and focusing on nothing but potty training sound horrible! I can’t think of anything worse.

The naked method. Letting her run around outside naked and encouraging her to go wherever. That sounds better but eh who has the time. Plus it’s hotter than hades outside and one accident in my living room was enough.

“Mama I poo pooed” she said to me as she handed me an EMPTY diaper.

“Okay love bug that’s awesome but where did you poo poo” I ask her even though I really didn’t want to know.

She takes my hand and directs me to the living room with the toddler poop sitting right in the center of the floor. I can just picture it. While I’m brushing my teeth she’s squatting on the living room floor watching Dora so proud she’s not going in her diaper.

So that’s a no on the naked method for us.

People have told us not to force it. Even my sister-in-law Dr Jen told us it’s not worth it to push her. That she’ll start doing it one day without even having to be told.

This was a relief to me. To be honest I was getting sick of everyone constantly asking her to go pee pee on the potty. My husband would ask her every 15 minutes to the point where I would answer with a “she just told you no! Let it go!” I meant for that to stay in my head. Sorry honey. 

Sure enough a week ago she started going pee on the potty. Just like Dr Jen said she would. No warning, no pushing, no parents arguing, and 0 hours spent annoyed on the bathroom floor.

We have a long way ahead of us and are now in the midst of false alarms and accidents and the nightmare of public restrooms.

I respect her curious nature and while I laugh when it’s not my kid, it’s humiliating when you’re trying to pee and your toddler gets on the nasty floor to see “what that lady doing mama?” Ew child get off the floor and now we have to sit in here till she’s gone!

I don’t think there’s a support group for potty training mom’s like there is for breast feeding but feel free to message me. We can support each other. 

Also we still have not had to get a kitten. Silver lining. 

Flying Apples

 

I get these ideas in my head and once they are there it has to happen. My latest thing was going to up to the lake in the evening and staying for the movie under the stars at Pinecrest Lake. If you haven’t ever done it you should, its amazing.

My husband rocks and I know if I pushed hard enough he would go and make the best of it but he doesn’t love crowds. So when I found out he was going to be gone for the weekend I figured it was the perfect chance to do something I wanted to do that he wouldn’t have enjoyed anyway.

Friday’s my dad watches Rylan and I had the day off so the stars aligned and it was the perfect plan. During her nap I’d get blankets and towels and snacks all packed up and ready so when she woke up we could head to the lake an relax before the movie. Also to save seats because normally its packed.

She woke up, we picked up my parents and headed up the hill. As we were driving, a junky car full of teenage boys was coming towards us and arm stuck out of the back seat window. I don’t know if it was an apple or what but a red ball looking thing came flying at our car and hit my headlight.

I didn’t know it was my headlight at first only that it sounded like we hit a freaking deer and it scared the bejeezus out of all of us. My mom said it was an orange but really her vision isn’t great so her testimony wouldn’t hold up in court. But she was right it was about that size so we assumed apple. Mainly because a tomato would not have made the explosion sound that whatever it was did.

I was fuming! Honestly who throws things at cars like that. I was deliberate too so save the soft voice “oh it was an accident”. No it wasn’t. If it was your kid who did it, your kid is a dick.

It could have hit my windshield. It could have made me crash. It could have hurt my child by crashing our came through the window itself.

I have no control over other peoples kids and I know that “boys will be boys”. But can we try to raise our boys not be little assholes.

I can do nothing except try to raise my daughter to be respectful of other people. I am going to try my hardest to teach her that we do not intentionally cause harm to other people. It’s not okay to deliberately cause damage to other people’s property.

I hope that I raise her to be compassionate and kind and to make good choices. I pray about it every night. Literally in those words! “Dear Lord Jesus, I pray that you give me the tools and patience to raise my daughter to be compassionate, kinda, and to make good life choices.”

This had created a new prayer for me. I pray that Rylan grows up resilient to the cruelty in the world. That when things like this (or much worse because that’s inevitable) happen that she doesn’t let it get her down. That she doesn’t become jaded. I pray that she finds the lesson in all the crap. The silver lining is always there.

For instance this apple throwing dickhead reminded me of the lessons I need to be teaching my daughter. Silver lining.

Luckily I have good insurance and drive a sturdy Yukon that could take a punch. But what if I didn’t? What if I was a single mom who could barely afford liability and just wanted to take my kid to the lake for the evening. That could have ruined the trip!

It didn’t ruin the trip. We had a magical time and it was everything I had pictured in my head. We relaxed, we had snacks, the water was amazing, the movie was cute, and Rylan lasted the whole movie against all odds.

I don’t know who the kid was who shattered my headlight but I know that Karma is a bigger bitch than I am. Not to mention its her only job. I’m pretty exhausted being a mom. Who works. With dogs…. yeah she’s got this.