Pluviophile Mama

a lover of rain;someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days.

A Year In The Trenches — December 30, 2021

A Year In The Trenches

As the 1 year anniversary of Nana passing approaches I have a ton of feelings. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that my child is “emotional” when she comes from me. But as we get closer to 1 year I can feel things shift. I stand by my post that things don’t get easier but I will concede that it does change. Some feelings still sucker punch me and knock the wind out of me, but that sharp jagged edge is slowly starting to feel like a deep ache.

There are so many quotes and sayings about living with grief and they are all true. My friend as work brought me flowers and a card for this 1 year anniversary and the front of the card says “Grief, like a wave has a rhythm of its own”. I knew this was from Hallmark before I even turned over the card! Well said Hallmark, well said. And thank you Jess! It really does have a rhythm of its own and every person marches to a different beat. Yup I just hit you with some old time sayings right there.

We made it through the year of firsts. This year was brutal however, I can’t brag about my family and my husband enough. I thank God every night for having such an amazing family surrounding me. Ask Rylan, she’ll tell you we pray every night. We ask God to say hi to Nana, and other family members who have passed and all our animals. Seriously Rylan doesn’t even let me miss one animal.

Its because of this family that I’ve been able to make it through okay. We made sure we stuck with the important traditions and were all present with each other. We made sure to bring joy to the events even when it would have been easy to give up and hide under a the covers. I truly feel like the way we came together this year is going to make the future easier to get through. If nothing else it will be easier because we know we can do it. Not only can we get through it, we can do it in style (thank you Aunt Patty!).

This aching inside will never go away. I know that there will always be a simmer of grief that will crank up and send that fire through me when I least expect it. But I’m confident in the tools that Nana gave us to get through it. I doubt she planned to raise us all this good just so we could get through life without her but then again I wouldn’t have expected anything less. She did after all have her plot and headstone in place long before anyone was even a little sick. The woman was full of surprises.

Some things I’ve learned this past year in my grief. I couldn’t quite put this into words but James Clear could! He said “you have no responsibility to live up to someone else’s expectation of you. Spend as little time as possible chasing other people’s preferences instead of your own”. Not everyone understands grief. I used to be that person and let me tell you, until you go through it you have no clue. Grief is not a one size fits all and sometimes it was hard for me to express what I was feeling and “grief” didn’t seem to cut it. It wasn’t a good enough reason to not hang out in a group, not workout, or not do things I once enjoyed. But to me it was.

I’ve learned to send the text, make the call, do the things. If you feel an urge to reach out to someone… do it. I believe God communicates with us if we listen and talk to him enough. So when someone pops in my head for what seems like no reason I try and reach out. There could be a reason that has nothing to do with me so but I put that faith in him.

I learned that while you have to work hard you have to play too. Nana always lead by example in that regard and she always was going on trips with us or her friends. She had a great and super fun group of friends. But she didn’t get to enjoy her retirement the way I wish she would have. I know there’s no point in the “I wish” game but I wish her and Papa got to spend some time just living. Basically I wish we had more time with her.

I was surprised to see I was never angry. Not in the way I feel like a lot of people get angry. I was irritable in general and snappy but it wasn’t like I was angry at God. Do I feel like its not fair that she’s gone? Absolutely! But I believe our God is good and I don’t think he took her on purpose to hurt us. So why be angry about it.

I don’t make new years resolutions. In the past I’ve made statements like “I want to say yes more” or “I don’t want to be a flake anymore”. I did good when I had something to focus on for the year. This year I’m going to make better choices. With everything from friendship to eating and working out. NO not like an “I’m going to lose weight” resolution. I think where we are at in life is the result of a million little choices we’ve made that lead us to where we are. Its up to us to make choices to get where we want to be. This year I want to make better choices. All around I want every choice I make to be because its truly 100% what I want. Or what I want to get me to where I want to be. So my “resolution” this year is to be unapologetically selfish. While still being kind of course.

I write a lot about grief but if you’re wanting more or needing more please check out this website https://www.normalizegrief.com/home really great information and I can’t get enough of this page.

It’s Raining!!! — December 22, 2021

It’s Raining!!!

Yup talking about grief again. A little bit. Then we’ll talk about my deep love for rain. The year of 1st’s is coming to an end. We made it family and I’m so wildly grateful for each and every one of our family members! Special shout out to my lumberjack husband for putting up with me and being supportive. If I listed all the amazing things he does for me every woman out there would hate me. Seriously he’s like something out a book. Except he chews, he had to have one flaw. But as this year comes to an end I’ve been sad. Its been weighing on me and I’m back to not sleeping again.

This morning I woke up to rain. Instantly I was in a better mood. I felt lighter some how. Now, I’m aware most of that lighter feeling is because I’ve been praying a lot and God is taking care of me. But here’s what else it is. The sound of rain is extremely calming. It relaxes me, and brings a peace that I can’t find anywhere else. That sound is what I like to put on our sound machine and go to sleep to but in all honesty there’s nothing like the real thing.

I don’t like to be cold but I do enjoy bundling up. I love a good jacket that I can go out in the rain and not get wet in. I bought new rain boots this year and while they are the ugliest thing I think I’ve ever owned (the color was NOT as advertised. Yellow is not the same as baby vomit brown yellow) I love them. I love running out to my truck and not getting wet but feeling the rain surround me. Being warm out in cold weather is strangely refreshing. Plus, how amazing is it when you’ve been out in the cold and you come in to a warm house? You know you love it.

Another reason I love the rain is that the whole world feels like its getting a shower. Its cleansing. Sure there’s mud puddles but lets change that perspective too. You could look at it as a nasty, dirty mud puddle. OR you could look at it as a little kid does. Like nothing would make you happier than splashing in it. I don’t actually want to splash in it but I appreciate that through a kids eyes its not something to be annoyed by but instead something incredibly fun that could make the best memory.

The smell when it rains and right after should be bottled up and sold to pluviophiles everywhere. There is something so comforting about it. It smells like a fresh start.

The fog in our area the last few weeks was pretty intense. I can’t say I love fog that heavy but I do love when its overcast because it feels like our little town is under a blanket. It feels like a hug for our tiny town in the mountains. Like the weather is telling us everything is going to be okay. Until the wind kicks up and knocks the power out and ruins everyone’s day. But that’s not the weather I’m in love with.

But to be fair I really am in love with all the weather. I love the change in weather. How our town gets all 4 seasons even if fall doesn’t last as long as I want it to, and spring gets too hot too fast. I love when I’m just starting to crave the sun, it comes out and the warmth is refreshing somehow. That only lasts a short time and then I’m ready for the rain again but still the change is welcome.

Rylan and Pat both love the winter and rain too. A small family of Pluviophiles. Pretty special when its a Sunday football day and its raining out. We settle into our routines and somehow everything feels peaceful. I’m choosing not to remember all 3 eighty pound dogs running from the back yard through the house. Nope. Just focusing on the steaming cup of coffee, the fireplace going, my warm book blanket my mom gave me, and the book in my hands.

Mom Of The Year — December 10, 2021

Mom Of The Year

When I was pregnant I read all the parenting books. Okay, most of the parenting books. Okay two. I read two parenting books. But one I hated and couldn’t finish and the other I became obsessed with. French parenting. Yup I posted about it on here a million years ago. I was in love with it and even my dahling husband thought it was great. Even though he said it all seemed like common sense and kept insisting we weren’t French. We are absolutely French.

Rylan is 7 now. Can I just say that no book can help me now? No book could have prepared me for the chaotic morning of getting homework done, breakfast ready, the “comfort cat” she needs to always have with her, the candy gram fundraiser (side note to whoever planned that shit…you’re a dick), the look of betrayal on my kids face when she realizes we’re going to be late to school or the tears at drop off.

I’ve made huge efforts this year to prep the night before. The book Atomic Habits has been atomically life changing. This week I forgot to prep. Okay I didn’t “forget” but I was exhausted the night before and we went to sleep. This just ruined our morning and left me dropping off my daughter with her in tears, and me driving away also in tears. She’s alway liked things a certain way. Her teacher described her as a “perfectionist who likes everything done her way. But don’t worry she’s shocking still making friends”. So when she realized how scattered we were and that she was going to ruin her perfect attendance record by being late the tears came quick.

Add to this shit storm the fact that there’s a fundraiser for some camp or other where they sent home “candy grams” for $1 you could send a candy gram to your friends. So naturally my perfectionist wants to know what happens if she doesn’t get one. We don’t believe in participation trophies in this house so I was trying to teach a life lesson. “We’ll little duck you might not” to which she responded in sobbing tears. Great one mom. I’ll be accepting my mom of the year award any time. There better be a sash and tiara.

But honestly she might not!! You know there’s going to be some kid who doesn’t get one. But instead of comforting my kid I said the truth and then when she was upset I dug in harder with the excellent life lessons. “It’s going to be okay. If you don’t get one, who cares! The next day it’s your birthday and you’ll bring cupcakes and no one will even remember the candy gram”. I may have slipped in an “everyone can suck it” type of phrase, I’m not sure. I’m on fire this week guys.

The comfort cat. Oh that furry little bastard. Her friends all still bring little toys and animals and stuff so it’s not weird (yet) that she brings her stuffed animal cat to school. But when we forget it it’s the end of the world.

Let me just say that I love my kid more than anything. Nothing is more heart breaking than sending your kid to school sobbing and having to pull her little arms off you and give her a push to go to class. All while trying not to break down in tears myself.

To answer the same question my mom asked. No, I didn’t go get the comfort cat and bring it to school. I had to get to work and as we’ve already established I’m not a good mom. Although I do think I was being a better mom by but not getting. She came home and said she had a great day at school and was totally fine. No permanent harm done. To her. I on the other hand am traumatized and talking to my therapist about mommy issues. Only the mom in my issues….. is me.

Tired Tired or Grief Tired — December 4, 2021

Tired Tired or Grief Tired

Oh the holidays! The joy, lights, music, scents (best smells ever come from holiday scents!!!), people, celebrations, and traditions. Ah traditions. They are the biggest comfort with the sharpest edge to people who are grieving.

The year of “firsts without Nana” is coming to and end and as she passed on the first of January it leaves us with celebrating the holidays right before that one year anniversary. Our family is really close. I know I’ve mentioned this because there’s no way I haven’t.

Its been the most comforting thing in the world to have them to lean on through this. But as December hits and the Christmas vibes really kick up and shove the joy down your throat I find I’m so tired. I’ve been paying attention to my fatigue levels after having Covid but even before that I notice there’s a difference in my tired days. There’s the normal “its been a hard week and I just don’t want to adult after work” tired, the “wow everyone is really on my nerves please leave me alone with my books” tired, and then there’s “I don’t know how life goes on brain fog full body exhaustion” tired. That last one I can now identify as grief tired. If this is a real term let me know because as of right now I think I made it up.

Its not all consuming and please don’t recommend a therapist (I’ve got one don’t worry). Its just that sometimes the grief comes in waves and feel physically heavy. Sometimes it knocks the wind out of me and sometimes its more subtle. It just blankets over me and feels like I’m exhausted and my brain is foggy but looking at pictures or remembering stories about Nana helps. Generally it lasts a few days and I rally and get my crap together. Except that lately I haven’t got my crap together. My house is suffering for it and the time has come for me to be an adult. I hate it.

Even when it comes to running the business I can feel it. The reminder that I didn’t pay close enough attention to what she was teaching me when we were working together. The fact that I took for granted that she would always be there weighs on me and flares up for days at a time. I wish I had clung to every word and had a memory like Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory so I could recall every second of our lives together. I’ll take the good and the bad!

So I’m venting to hold myself accountable. To put it out in the universe that I wont be held down by the grief anymore. I will put on my big girl pants and clean my house. My mom always says “messy bed, messy head” and it always drives me insane. Even more so when I realize she’s right. I don’t want to hand this lifestyle down to my child. I really don’t want my reality TV debut to be on the show Hoarders so this weekend we make changes! May even ask for help.

You’ve Changed — March 19, 2021

You’ve Changed

I’ve read a lot of self help books, listened to the audio books, gone to the conventions, done the meditation, I get it. We need to find and love ourselves and yadda yadda and so on.

Here’s what I’ve learned about myself. There are more than one side to me. I have emotions and different moods and different interest that make it impossible to put me into one category or one box. Even a big one (which it would have to be)! Ha see I can make fun of myself while also loving who I am and the many different versions.

There’s a lot of things not many people know. Like if I could go back and do anything over again… I’d join the military. It wasn’t an option that was presented to me in high school. No not because I’m a woman either. I’m not really sure why other than I was in high school during 9/11 and not many of the girls were jumping to head to Iraq. The point is, that side of me that would want to join, train, push myself, learn a ton, and ride or die serve my country is very appealing to me. It also would have been good for me. Helped the messy, lazier side of me.

The opposite side of me has the desire to be a debutante with fancy dresses, always put together, the vision of class and sophistication. I think overall military training would have helped that side of me. Instead I make due with what I have and try not to drop my kid off at school in my sweats. Try. I can proudly say that in almost a year that’s only happened once. Workout clothes don’t count yet. Baby steps. My friend and I have started a thing… we try to dress every day like we’re meeting and enemy. Which neither of us have but it sets the tone.

Then there’s gangsta Britt. She doesn’t come out often. Mostly cause my mom was not a huge fan and I grew up in the mountains surrounded by cowboys and jocks. Which was delightful overall. But I have that G side that wants to wear giant hoops and red lips while rocking an ‘I don’t care’ attitude and giant sunglasses. It’s really a Khloe Kardashian vibe. I have the sunglasses already.

I’m out going and shy. Introverted but also social. I like adventure and love staying home. I feel very strongly I don’t HAVE to be one thing or the other and my mood changes constantly. I make plans then decide I don’t want to go. That last one is mostly anxiety. Things always sound good then it comes to going and being around people I get uncomfortable. I do better in smaller groups.

I’m learning a lot about myself in my mid-thirties and going through this huge loss has rocked every side of me. It’s more of a struggle every day to put my self together and identify how I feel that day. The urge to stay in sweats is a strong one. Which is stupid because getting up, dressed, and ready to see an enemy actually feels great. It feels more normal and attempts to pull me back to myself. Whichever version that might be.

I read an article about how sometimes we are more comfortable around strangers than we are our own friends. The theory is that when we are around strangers we can try on new versions ourselves that we want to be without our friends calling us out with an “oh my gosh that’s so not you!” With strangers it can be us and they don’t know because they haven’t been around you for ages.

I agree with this. However I also think it depends on your friend group. I have very close friends who know all these sides of me and not one thinks “that’s not Brittany”. Because the closest ones to me know that I’m ever evolving. Because that’s what we’re supposed to do.

I hope no one judges me based on the person I was 15 years ago. Ugh!! Thank goodness I’ve changed and grown. I pray that I’ve matured. Grown more compassionate and understanding. I hope I’ve become less self centered. I know I’ve grown more sure of myself and am less insecure. I may have more anxiety but I have better tools and people to help me with that. I have a better relationship with God.

I like who I’m becoming. Yes I’m still becoming myself at 35. I’m a wife, a mom, a dog mom, a friend, a boss (yup the thought scares me too don’t worry), an employee, and most important I’m me. With all the sides and all the continuing changes. I’m grateful.

Anger? Grief? Who can tell! — March 7, 2021

Anger? Grief? Who can tell!

I’ve always been hot headed. I’m very reactive and I get fired up easily. I’m working on it. Not very hard but it’s better than nothing. Right?

So now two months after losing Nana, a year of my husband being diagnosed with cancer, and countless, equally as important family trials, I’ve noticed I’m a little more level headed overall. Until I drop my purse getting out of the car. Or forget a key ingredient from the grocery store. Or heaven help me if I wake up and my house is a mess because I didn’t clean it.

It’s the little things now that send me screaming through the house throwing things and swatting at the dogs like Mom-zilla. It’s taken these two months for me to realize that it’s not the knocked over purse, or my forgetful ness, it’s actually grief. Grief manifesting itself in anger and frustration.

I can feel it inside bubbling under the surface waiting for something to send it exploding at unsuspecting targets. Like my child asking for the 5th snack before noon. It’s not her fault. But there are days when arguing over eating a healthy meal feels hard so I cave to snacks then I get mad that she’s hungry for more snacks. Then poor Pat walks in and for F’s sake can you help me feed our child 12,000 meals a day.

See it’s not about the snack. It’s grief coming out to sucker punch me when I’m least expecting it. It’s the sadness that I was dealing with internally all morning that chooses to lash out at my unsuspecting family because that’s easier than crying.

I’m sure they would rather me be sad instead. But at some point I have to start living again and I pride myself on being able to power through. It’s only just now occurring to me that sometimes you can’t just power through on your own.

Here’s what’s been helping me get a leash on my Mom-Zilla moments. Going for a walk with friends. Bible study. Praying. Reading.

Fresh air is exponentially helpful when I’m breaking down. Getting out with a friend and moving and talking always leaves me feeling more refreshed and grounded than before

My friend Heather introduced me to the Bible app that has all kinds of Bible studies that I’ve started doing both on my own and with friends. I am a Christian and truly believe in the power of prayer and that God will bring me through this.

I believe that going through this extremely hard time is God changing me. He’s working on me to come out of this more compassionate and understanding. I hope that I can be there for other people turn this horrifying year into one of growth and change. Talking to him and friends daily has brought a kind of peace to the mom-zilla moments that no other substance could provide.

I also don’t know what I’d do without books. Fiction mostly because I rely on that escape at the end of the day. An hour or two to turn out the lights and leave my world behind for a whole different one. One where anything is possible and for the most part I know everything is going to be okay.

I don’t have everything figured out. But I do all I can and give the rest to God.

Are Any Words Better Than No Words? —

Are Any Words Better Than No Words?

Eventually I’ll write about more than just grief I promise. However, for now even though I’m powering through, it’s still front and center in my life.

Sometimes I’ll say something to Pat while we’re driving or hanging out at home and he’ll give me what my friend calls “The Pat Face”. Which is basically a blank stare like he’s confused, indifferent, or baffled but mostly just can’t bring himself to respond. I’d try and take a picture for you but it would turn from The Pat Face to the Pissed face faster than my phone camera can capture the moment.

Anyway after he gives me the Pat Face I have to explain how I got to that topic. It’s usually a long drawn out version of “well I as brushing my teeth and thought of Jeanette cause she cleans my teeth (when I show up!), which got me thinking about hanging out with them and how we should go on vacation, but we should go on a fun vacation, but not with jelly fish, but I like sushi, oh we should go to Vegas and go to Hells Kitchen,” which circles back to my original point of telling him I bought Gordon Ramsey’s cookbook. I can feel all of you giving me the Pat Face right now!!

Needless to say the last two months has got me wondering if saying nothing or even the wrong thing is worse or better than saying nothing at all. I have come to the long, Pat Face initiating, conclusion that saying something is always better.

When Nana passed I had people I hadn’t talked to in years reach out with a single text. “Heard about what happened to Nana and I’m thinking of you. Sorry for your loss”. So simple and yet it warmed my heart in a way I didn’t know I needed.

I have never reached out to people before. I was always uncomfortable and didn’t want to bring it up or remind people of the pain. Then Jeanette said something that stayed with me and I wanted to share with my two followers. When I told her I didn’t want to reach out because of that she said “it’s never out of someone’s mind. That loss and hurt is always there even when people are smiling and talking to you. It’s feels better to acknowledge it than to try and sweep it under the rug”.

Now having experienced that new level of pain and loss I understand what she meant. Telling me your sorry I lost Nana is not “bringing it up again” because it never went away. It’s always at the forefront of my mind. It’s always hovering in my peripheral vision. Always the rug I’m standing on waiting to slip out from under me.

It’s always easier for me when people say sorry for the loss or anything really because then it doesn’t feel as “Debbie Downer” if I mention it. It clears the air for me to even talk about it in passing or if it’s in the middle of one of my thought process tangents.

I truly believe it’s better to say something than nothing. Coming from someone who never used to say anything I can now saw with confidence that when I’m in those situations, it even feels better for me to acknowledge it. Saying “I know there are no words but I’m sorry and you’re in my mind” takes pressure off both of us.

I’m aware everyone might not feel this way. But in the grand scheme of things I’d rather acknowledge and let someone know I’m thinking and I care than have them look back and think “wow Brittany didn’t care enough to even send a text”.

So my words of advice is this. A simple something is better than nothing… example if you need one is simply this “I know there are no words! I’m so sorry for your loss and you’re in my thoughts”

Hope this is helpful!

Reading through Pain — March 1, 2021

Reading through Pain

As I’ve mentioned Nana passed away. What I didn’t say was all the other loads of crap going on in my life. 2020 was a crummy year for everyone (understatement of the century, I’m aware) but for my family Covid wasn’t even in the top 10 worst things that have happened.

My grandpa was in and out of the hospital for a better part of the year, nana was in and out of the hospital before she passed, my husband has thyroid cancer for the 3rd time, his grandpa passed away, his uncle was diagnosed and passed from pancreatic cancer, and I’ve had other family members in and out of the hospital.

More than once I’ve been told I’m strong. I appreciate the sentiment but I don’t feel strong. I feel like Evelyn Hugo in the book The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo. She said “Everyone sort of assumes that when faced with life-and-death situations, you will panic. But almost everyone who’s actually experienced something like that will tell you that panic is a luxury you cannot afford. In the moment, you act without thinking, doing all you can with the information you have. It’s when it’s over that you scream. And cry. And wonder how you got through it.”

While my last year hasn’t been a “life and death” situation it’s been about life. And death. Mixed with turmoil, trauma, hope, connection, and a ton of other things all wrapped up and put on the scariest roller coaster you can imagine. Yes I’ve wanted to throw up many times. like the quote says through it all I’m doing what I can with all the information. Powering through and doing what needs to be done.

I have the best family in the world. We rely on each other and take turns holding each other up and when it comes down to it I’d be lost without them and God.

My other coping mechanism is reading. I’ve always read to escape but over the last year I’m really diving in and getting away from life. Which is probably why I fell head over heels in love with the Throne of Glass series! It was recommended by every platform imaginable and my Instagram book bestie encouraged me to read it. I miss Instagram for that only! Still not going back though.

Anyway I dove right into this series and was hooked. The main character is brilliant and through her story I drew strength. She inspired me and I am a firm believer that books come into our lives for a reason. This seven book series was just what I needed for this season of life.

Throne of Glass Series has so much to offer and there were sections that were extremely emotional. Lots of people post about trigger warnings and I think it’s important for you to know if reading something would be beneficial or triggering. For me reading emotional or powerful things is healing. There are times I can’t even identify what I’m feeling but I pick up my book and next thing I know I’m ugly face crying trying to explain to Pat that it’s both the story and my life making me melt down.

Sometimes you need to cry over fictional characters because crying over your own life means to have to process and deal with it. We aren’t always ready to do that but the release of crying, laughing or getting angry is healing. Even if its over an witch and her dragon (don’t judge me till you read the book).

So if you’re struggling I recommend reaching for a book. Find a friend who can make a good recommendation or ask me! I’ll do my best to bring the perfect book into whatever season you’re in.

This is how invested in the series I was. The last book and I don’t think the 3 of us moved for hours on end.

The Dash — February 28, 2021

The Dash

My Nana passed away on January 1st. Even writing that makes my eyes burn and my chest tighten. She was the best person ever. She was my best friend and a huge part of our community. I could write entire novels about how much she meant to me and everyone else but that’s not why I’m writing.

I’m new to grief. I’ve been blessed that this is my first real life altering loss. And that’s what it’s been. Life altering. It knocks the wind out of me and has left a giant hole in my heart that, if I’m not careful, threatens to swallow me whole. It’s a testament to Nana that she created our family to be as close as we are. That we have developed relationships that come together and lean on each other is because of her and Papa.

The day after her burial my cousin and I went to put the flowers from her memorial on her headstone. I would have never thought it would be a peaceful place for me but that day I found such peace in being there. The cemetery she’s at is beautiful. It’s quiet and lovely and I’ve started walking there once a week. I park at my mother in laws and walk about a mile to the cemetery. It’s become healing in a way to visit her and talk to her there.

I understand the cemetery and even visiting loved ones headstones is not for everyone. Not everyone finds it peaceful. Some think it’s creepy or that they don’t feel their loved ones there. I understand all of that. But for me it’s spiritual and I love having a specific spot where I can go visit her.

Today I took a friend with me. It was really nice to share my little ritual with someone else and we got talking about all the other headstones and people who have passed. We walked a few laps around the whole cemetery and I showed her Nana but also a few other people I know who are there. We talked about the lives of people there. Stories that are left untold, secrets people took with them, memories they shared with people who lived on and memories that have long sense been forgotten.

You see the flowers on peoples headstones. The trinkets that people leave that hold sentimental value. You see the ones that haven’t been visited in a while by anyone other than the cemetery grounds keeper. Those are the ones I like to visit while we’re out there. To stop by and hope they know someone is still thinking of them. Even though I’m a stranger I’m thinking of their lives.

Nana had a poem in her desk we found after she passed. It’s called The Dash. The premise is that on your headstone it reads “birthday – death date” but that dash in the middle is life. It’s how we live our lives, how we spend that time of the dash, that matters. So while I’m wandering around visiting everyone (most of my time is with Nana though sorry) it’s their dash I’m thinking of.

I have so many questions for all of these people! There are so many amazing stories that will be left untold. It sparks my overactive imagination and here’s what I wish: I wish everyone could write a memoir before they passed. Things they want people to know after they passed, things that were important to them, things they wish they could have said but didn’t, advice (can you even imagine the advice some people have to share but won’t have the chance!!) and really what their dash meant to them.

Here’s where my imagination goes wild. Everyone puts all that info a memoir and then it’s preserved at their grave site for people like me to come and read it. Oh the things we could learn!!!

I love you Nana. I pray my dash is as amazing as yours was. Anything I accomplish is because of you.

This was written by my cousins to Nana. I have no better words than these.

I’m baaaaack! — December 20, 2020

I’m baaaaack!

Wow what a break! I’m shocked I haven’t been back sooner since it’s been such a wildly shitty year and I have SO much to say.

I’ll start with my plan for this… website? Blog? Not even sure what to call it. But here’s my plan!

I plan on sharing my thoughts and book reviews. Mostly that’s what I’ll be talking about. I was doing that on my Instagram but just last night deleted my entire profile. I’d like to say this was a hard decision but it wasn’t. I’ll miss my book friends that I made though Instagram but that’s it. I left because I can’t stand the fact that Instagram has basically become a giant political platform used to censor information and force certain points of view. Not cool. Also there was talk about the terms of service and while I read it I didn’t understand a lot of it. Best to just delete and move on.

Which brings me back here!!! I can feel your excitement! Just a brief caption of what’s been going on: I still love the rain more than the sun, my daughter is growing up too fast, my husband has cancer but is handling it like a boss, we are running the Chevron, my family is truly the greatest group of people in the world, and I’m having Gilmore Girl withdraws and would like a new series to be made like yesterday!

So here I am again writing about life, books, and rain!

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